The Approval You Need

How often do you find yourself pleasing people and seeking their validation?

If I were to talk about myself, I would say I was that person who would want people to tell me how good I
look and maybe I would switch dresses if someone passes a comment saying "The colour of the dress
that I am wearing does not bring out the colour of my eyes". Three- Four years down the line, I liked
seeking validation from people which gave me a sense of worth. Also, what is wrong in seeking validation?
It act as a motivator. People are the best judge here. If they think pink does not bring out the colour of my eyes, then they may be right. They can judge better than I can. But soon, they start taking control of my life. Also, why wouldn't they? I only gave them that control and who does not like getting the control?
It started creating immense anxiety in me as my need for approval started making me give up one of my favourite things. I tried my best to please others and get their approval but despite doing my best, their compliments didn't make a difference in how I perceive myself because I was not able to believe them. It got to one point where I started getting irritable and frustrated if someone would say a word to me. I started feeling insecure and unworthy. You know why? Because I was not approving of myself and how would I expect others to approve of me? Even if they do, how do you believe them? Sooner I realised, the primary approval which I needed was mine itself.
The concept of belonging to the world, your neighbourhood, your social group, and your family is what it all comes down to. Our love for others and ourselves grows exponentially when we have a sense of belonging. Our self-esteem is fueled by that love, which also inspires us to improve ourselves and the world around us. According to Maslow, in order to achieve our highest level of self i.e., self-actualisation need, one needs to fulfil lower needs first. These basic needs involve primary needs i.e., food, shelter and safety etc and psychological needs such as sense of belongingness, love and healthy self esteem. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that when one of these fundamental psychological needs is unmet, we become vulnerable and open to outside validation. It is okay to seek validation from others occasionally. However, there must be a careful balance between seeking advice and relying on it to direct our lives. We relinquish control over our entire existence when we start to rely on this confirmation as the primary motivator.
So here are certain things which can help you overcome the need for approval from others and help you in prioritising your own self.

 
1. Fostering Awareness

To attempt to become conscious of excessive approval seeking is the first step. Learn to recognise the triggers of your need for approval:
When do you most want the approval of others?

• Is it when you're making important life decisions like buying a property or making financial plans?
• Is it connected to how you look and what you're wearing?
• Does it happen at work or school?

2. Celebrating achievements

"Celebrate your successes yourself," Do not feel that you must wait for others to acknowledge your accomplishments before you do the same.
By acknowledging your accomplishments, you can congratulate yourself without needing other people's approval. You might want to concentrate on accepting who you are and developing self-appreciation for this.

3. Appreciating solitude

Spend some time by yourself so that you are not always with people. This can help you feel more confident in yourself and learn what you can accomplish on your own. You could think about the following when learning to love being alone:

• Travelling by yourself,
• Eating in a cafe by yourself and reading a nice book
• Pursuing a pastime or activity by yourself
• Spending time by yourself at home

4. Seeking Therapy

"Ask yourself: 'Do I matter?' If the response is no, there is work that needs to be done, and speaking with a therapist can be a great place to start.
The therapist can help you identify the causes from where it is stemming and can help you deal with it effectively. The therapeutic space can help you explore and address self-worth challenges.